Elevator Etiquette

Working in a multi story office building has given me frequent access to elevators.  It has also given me a first hand view of people’s lack of elevator etiquette.  Therefore, I feel it necessary to use this space to walk you through some of the basic points.  Hopefully, this will generate a better elevator experience for everyone.

1) Wait for people to exit before you enter.  This is a total dick move used by self-absorbed people everywhere.  Common courtesy dictates that you wait for everyone to exit before you force your way on.  This rule is also broken frequently on the subway.

2) If you are on one of the top floors, get on and move toward the rear.  You know you will be one or the last off, so why would you stand near the front.  You have made it so that we have to maneuver around you to exit.

3) If you are wearing perfume, take the stairs.  I have yet to meet a perfume wearer that understood the term “moderation”.  Most ladies bathe in perfume.  Imagine being trapped in a 7×7 box for 8 floors with a lady that smells like Liz Taylor’s Diamonds.  Ladies, a good rule of thumb: if the eyes of your fellow passengers water the moment you enter the elevator,  you are wearing too much perfume.

4) Don’t talk on your cell phone.  This is why text messaging was invented.  No one wants to hear about your rash, what your sister did to her husband or how drunk you got this past weekend.  Send a text.

5) There is no such thing as “express mode”.  It doesn’t matter how hard you press Door Close and floor 1, the elevator will not go automatically to the bottom.  Don’t be stupid.

6) Don’t ring the bell.  This one is mostly for middle school kids and teenagers.  It’s just annoying and makes me want to punch you in the face when you do it.

7) If there is only one person in the elevator when you enter, don’t stand right next to them.  The elevator is already cramped enough without you parking your perfume laden body right next to me.

8) Don’t fart on the elevator.  Unless you are in there with someone you don’t like.  Then its acceptable to crop dust the elevator on the way out.

18 Hour Underwear

If commercials have taught me anything, it’s that there are about 200 different types of bras.

Seriously, watch for bra commercials and see how many different types you can spot.

Push-up, demi, sports, 18-hour (I don’t understand a bra with a time limit), under wire, no under wire, strap-less, full figure.  The list is enormous.

So here’s my question: why are there 200 types of bras for women and men only get 3 types of underwear (boxers, briefs, boxer briefs)?  The function of each is the same: support.  What is so different that one gender requires more options than the other?  I just don’t get it.

Maybe I’ll work on inventing men’s 18 hour underwear.

Cash4Gold

Anyone who has followed the financial markets in the last few years knows that gold has become quite the hot commodity.  With prices skyrocketing, there has been a boom in the number of companies that will buy your “old or used gold and jewelry” for cash money.  I personally think that this only a good idea if the items you are selling hold no personal or sentimental value.  You can get junk items out of your house and make a little money.  And when I say a little money, I mean very little, as most of these companies will not pay you the current price per ounce of gold.  If they did, it would be very difficult to make money and most companies are in the business of making money.

With all these companies now advertising their services, one commercial displays what the gold hysteria has done to the critical thinking skills of Americans.  Perhaps you’ve seen it.  It’s a commercial for CAsh4Gold.com.  I have to assume that their marketing works, because they have been around for several years.  Clearly they are making money.  So what is it about this company that makes them stick out from the rest?  Let’s take a look at their business model.

On their website (or by calling them), you can order your free “return pack” and turn your jewelry into cash!  You simply put your jewelry into the envelope, mail it back to Cash4Gold and they will send you a check for your jewelry.  It’s so simple!

The problem is that you are giving C4G all the power in this transaction.  Once they have your gold, you have 2 options: accept their undoubtedly low-ball offer or (within 12 days of the date on the check) ask for a refund and get your gold back.  I haven’t seen any stats, but my guess is the success rate of requested returns is close to 0%.  So you are then stuck with whatever check was sent to you.  There is no opportunity to negotiate or secure the best possible price for your crappy jewelry, yet Americans are flocking to this service (and others like it) in droves.

Again, I am not against getting rid of broken, old, or useless jewelry if it is not personally valuable to you.  But lets at least be smart about it America.  Go to a pawn shop or a jewelry store that will buy your items.  Then you at least have the option of negotiating a fair price or the option of simply walking away if the price is not right.  Using C4G takes the power out of your hands and is simply a foolish way to sell your gold.  Don’t let the gold fever cloud your judgement, America.

My favorite part of the C4G commercial is the testimonial of one individual who states, “I sold my gold because I needed books for college”.  I hate to break it you buddy, but if you are foolish enough to use C4G then college probably isn’t for you.

We need to redefine “Top Plays”

I love Sports Center.

As the father of two little girls, Sports Center is the perfect way for me to digest the days sporting events.  I get all the relevant highlights and top stories in right around an hour.  It’s the ideal way for me to keep current.

Over the years, Sports Center has added segments to try to continue to gain viewership.  One of these vignettes is “Top Plays”.  The Top Plays segment covers just that:  the top plays from sports in the last 24 hours.  While this is a good idea in concept and would probably work well as just a weekly or monthly piece, it’s not so good on a daily basis.

Most of the Top Plays on shown each day end up being fairly routine plays.  For example, in the most recent Top Plays, 4 of the 10 plays were diving catches in baseball games.  Do you know how many diving catches occur in your average baseball night?  Enough that 40% of the Top Plays were diving catches.

I think its time ESPN got rid of the Top Play segment or at lest scale it back to weekly or monthly.  By having daily Top Plays, ESPN has diluted the impact of actual top plays.

The monkey must be held accountable

To say that my daughter likes the show Curious George would be an understatement.  She LOVES Curious George.  Because of this love, I have seen every episode in existence.

For the most part, the show does a good job of presenting educational material.  For example, the episode we watched this morning taught how to count, how to read a map, how the subway works and how plumbing works.  Definitely good things for a child to learn.  The show also teaches kids to embrace their curiosity as a way of learning, a principle that I completely agree with.

However, there is something about the show that bothers me every time I watch it (besides the fact that a grown man live with a monkey): there are never any consequences for George’s actions.  While his curiosity allows him to learn new and exciting things it also leaves a trail of collateral damage for which George never reaps any consequence.

An example:

In one episode, the plumber explains to George how the water supply works and shows him how to unclog drain pipes by removing them.  This leads to George removing several pipes in his apartment, messing with the building’s water supply and flooding his apartment and the basement of the building.  The plumber fixes the pipes and stops the flooding and everyone has a good laugh at the situation.  But what about the tens of thousands of dollars in damage done to the basement?  What about the damage caused in the apartment by flooding?  As an owner in the building and member of the condo association, wouldn’t you be pissed if your COA insurance was dropped because the man with the monkey couldn’t keep the animal in check?  Did the man have to foot the bill for the repairs?

Most episodes (as well as most of the books) follow the same formula.  George is curious.  George is taught a concept by a human.  George tries to apply this new learned concept (usually without any supervision).  George misinterprets the concept, usually leading to copious amounts of property damage.  The humans in George’s life are initially upset about what George has done, but eventually they blow it off as if it’s no big deal.  George sees no consequence for his actions and life goes on as normal.  What a little scamp!

What is this teaching our children?  That actions don’t have consequences?  This is not a good lesson.  Kids need to be taught that if you damage property there are real consequences.  There needs to be an episode where George sees some real consequence for what he does.  Perhaps the man is forced into bankruptcy from having to pay for all George’s “learning”.  He and George then become financially destitute and end up homeless.  Maybe the man is required to give George to someone or some organization that can better care for him (like the zoo).  What ever the method, the lesson needs to be taught that there are real consequences for the choices you make.

At some point, this monkey needs to be held accountable.